For the last blog, I'm running into some issues, so I decided to give you folks a longer story about relationships. This one appeared in Psychology Today, of all magazines. This is probably the first time I resorted to a shrink's mag to come up with a blog.
More and more people are moving in with someone before marriage. It's happening in your generation, and it happens in mine (I've done it twice, myself).
Read all 4 pages of this article, and respond. You can find the article HERE.
Does living with someone before marriage necessarily cause problems? Do you think the writer, Nancy Wartik, is correct? Does this change your mind about living with someone prior to marriage, or are you thinking you won't even bother with marriage in the first place?
300-400 words, please, for your final blog.
-- MP
I think people who decide to live together before marriage are taking a risky chance but I dont think it's bad thing. I feel like u can get a feel for someone when you live together. You get to know them a little better personally and that can give you an idea if you really want to be with this person for the rest of your life. I think this would lower the divorce rate. If you get married to someone and then move in together, you might notice things about the person that you may not like and then thats a problem! Sex before marriage and living together before marriage is two totally different things. Sex before marriage is a sin, but living together isn't. I'm not sure if I'm going to get married. I want kids and a man, but marriage sounds like a lot. If I'm lucky one day I will get married but it's not something im stressing over. If I do, I do, and if I don't then I don't. I would like to live with my other half before marriage anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe author is correct in stating that in today’s society people are more guilted into marriage or scared into marriage. In today’s society I believe marriage is not such a big thing as it was for our grandparents’ generations. If you weren’t married by 21 then there was something wrong. Also with shows such as the real world and the jersey shore change peoples ideals about being married and it is more fun to wait and get married later in life. Also there is nothing to gain from being married except the girls get to have a day like a princess and when you get a divorce you have to give half your crap to the other person. This is why it is better to just wait to get married and live with each other before you make such a large commitment to another person. Make sure you can stand the person 24/7/365. Because up to that point you only spend so much time with the person and when you want to get away you can but when you live together you can’t. You have to learn to deal with the other person.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I see no reason in today’s society to get married because when you live together under the same roof you get the same experience as if you were married except when you don’t like each other anymore you still have all you stuff. This is especially true if your in your 40’s and 50’s and have done the marriage thing once or twice before. There’s no need to go through all that hassle again and it is just as enjoyable living with someone and not being married unless you religious and don’t believe in premarital sex then you might want to get married first.
I’m on the fence about this situation of moving in without being married. I feel like the point of having a “trial run” is a good idea. You are only able to see how the person is when you spend time with them outside of the home on a Sunday morning in your pajamas. You need to know how they really are and how they act when they are surrounded by you 24/7. If you cannot make it as just girlfriend and boyfriend then why waste both your times on marriage if it will just fail? But on the other hand I feel like it is not a good idea of moving in unmarried because you are around them and kind of “get used to them” before actually popping the question. You may get bored of them and realize that the life of being married is not for you and you can leave someone great. I feel like living together before marriage would bring about a lot more fights as well. Finances are not completely shared and you don’t have that sense of commitment yet. You may feel like you still have the freedom to have your smelly friends over all the time to drink and party, while your girlfriend is scoping you out as marriage material. I do believe in what the author said as far as a lot of people feel guilty and feel obligated to marry someone that they have been with for a substantial amount of time. The fact that you are basically married just without the label is a scary thing for some people. You have all your stuff in their house, you share all your time with them, and you have family events together. So I think people feel like if we already do all the married things then why don’t we just get married? This seems to be a big mistake because it’s a jump instead of a walk in to marriage. Marriage is a larger commitment then a lot of people think. You need to make sure that you can see yourself with the person for the rest of your life. In the end each person’s relationship is different. Maybe moving in together before marriage is a healthy decision for them. It’s all up to the couple.
ReplyDeleteAhh, this was a pretty interesting article. I think the whole concept of moving in before marraige has a lot to with what the author described as a growing discontent with the entire marriage institution.
ReplyDeleteHow i see it, marriage, like every other socital institution, is in a constant state of flux. As society develops so to its institutions, this is pretty much what sociological history is all about.
As noted, divorce rates are now at a peak. Why is that? I think it has something to do with the fact that divorce has become a much more acceptable than it used to be. While I'm not certain how often marriages from the 40's would end in divorce, it was much less than the rates today. However, when divorce rates from the 40s are compared against those of say the 1860s i would be surprised if they did not show another large increase.
So what am i getting at here? Im trying to show that marriage is not the same 'till death do us part' union that it used to be.
What i would suspect is that as divorce rates continue rising even more people will begin to question the entire institution of marriage,and slowly marriage as we know it may become an entirely extinct social institution, instead being replaced by the commitment to co-sign the lease together or the anniversary of opening a mutual checking account
This is a pretty interesting article and I really have to agree with Elan about how our society’s morals have changed which in turn has caused the divorce rate to increase. It is a lot more acceptable to get out of a relationship now than it would have been twenty or thirty years ago. I don’t think I can go as far as saying marriage is an outdated institute but it defiantly doesn’t mean what it used to. Back to the whole living together thing though, I would have to say that it really depends on the couple. The article gives great examples; the author herself has had a great experience with living together prior to marriage when some of the other examples ended in disaster. I would have to say that it is very important that both parties make sure that their intentions are clear before cohabiting; this would help with a lot of the problems that popped up in the other examples. I personally think that it is a good idea because if you can’t live with someone before your married, how can you live with them after you are married? Like I said it is a good idea as long as everyone is clear about the situation. However I don’t believe that this is for everyone, obviously religious beliefs hold a big part in this discussion. There are some that would really frown on this sort of set-up. So really when it comes down to it, it really has to do more with personal preference and personal beliefs. I think it is wrong to lump everyone together, what worked for one couple may not work for another.
ReplyDeleteThis article was very interesting and a topic that has been brought up in my family quite often. My grandparents raised my mother and her siblings in a very strict setting. My mother did not live with my father before they were married and she was just recently remarried and did not live with my step father before the wedding. To this day, many of my family members who have decided to live with their partner before they were wed chose not to inform my grandparents due to the lecture they would receive from my grandmother.
ReplyDeleteAs for me I would most definitely live with someone before I was married to them. However I wouldn’t live with a boy I was dating and thought it would be cheaper as far as rent goes. I agree with her view on having a discussion of the intentions both individuals have. Before living with a boy I may be dating, I would have this discussion and would only live with him if we both wanted the same things. If you don’t live with someone until you are married, you may find them to be annoying or uncooperative. Two people should only be living together if they are in a serious relationship and maybe one day plan to get married.
I don’t feel everyone takes marriage too seriously as they should. And that is why the divorce rate is as high as it is. The article stated cohabiters have a higher divorce rate than those who choose to live together after they are married. However it was also said “cohabiters' higher divorce rates aren't a side effect of their other characteristics.” The reason divorce rates are so high is because people want to save money and eventually realize that it isn’t worth it anymore. As long as both people have the same intentions, living together before marriage is the best choice.
Living with your significant other before marriage can cause problems. It can also do wonders to a relationship if you both of the partners will let it.
ReplyDeleteMoving in with a partner has many attractive perks from the very beginning. Shared rent, utilities and commodities are a few. Hopefully, it will also mean equal distribution of house work. Though this is not always true. Moving in with someone, from my experiences, will show you the true actions of your partner. From their daily activities, hygiene and cleanliness, you will be able to see if your partner is a neat freak, or a complete slob. If there are issues, this is the time where you need to make a decision.
A popular view that is held by many people is that you have the ability to persuade your partner to change their lifestyle. Many have tried, only to have disastrous results. If you notice issues upon moving in and they are progressively getting worse, either you take the submissive role and let them take the lead, or stand up for yourself and end your relationship. The article mentions that partners are afraid to end a relationship for various reasons. This is absurd. If you cannot get along then there is no reason for you to continue living together, never mind getting married.
Of course, I’m already married, so this article has no impact on me. The inertia theory was not a factor. We chose to move in together not because of the simplicity, but rather our mutual interest in each other.
However, I do agree that couples who move in together before marriage have a greater chance of breaking up. Without the bonds of marriage, a person is more likely to give up and call it quits because there are no repercussions.
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ReplyDeleteI personally think that living with someone before marriage is perfectly fine because I would love to know the things that I will have to deal with before I say "I DO". Yes I do believe it will make or break your relationship but wouldn't you want to know that before your stuck? You find out so many things about someone once you live together, their personal hygiene when their not trying to impress you, the different ways you both were taught to do something, or what if you deal with the other not handling their set of bills. It's negative and positives with this situation but it truly matters on the couple. If you guys are strong enough to work through the doubts and issues. It's easier to find out if you can handle things and move out instead of filing for divorce. I mean you can probably in some cases make your spouse do things your way but it will be disagreements. I think its worse when you move in into a man's mancave lol. Its like your the villian who came in into their home and destroyed their layer. It's not easy walking away from things especially as deep as a relationship if you feel like the is a potiental candidate to be you future but sometimes this maybe what you guys needed before you walked down that aisle.
ReplyDeletePersonally I had never thought really about people who do or don’t live together before marriage. I always thought just as the article mentions about people my age think that people always live together before they get married. Now that I think about this though probably when the regular marrying age was 18-22, couples probably finished high school and got married and a house or apartment and previously they only lived with each of their respective parents. Personally I think that people should live together before they get married for a few reasons. One they get to learn some habits of their significant other that maybe only come out at home in their own time. Another reason that people should live together before they get married is that they need make sure they can actually stand being with a particular person more than just to hang out. I do see the issue arise that some people may feel obligated to get married after they are living with someone. They probably get stuck in the living situation and can’t easily get out. It’s not like a relationship where if you get into a fight you can just go home and sleep it off because most likely you will be with them. It think that if you plan on marrying someone and you move in with them first people should talk about how it is practice for marriage. They should go in with the intent to wed and treat it like they are future couples. The article said that people have different standards for people they live with VS. their life partners, if they are going to move in with one and other they should treat the situation with life partner standards and see if they can change some minor glitches in the dynamics. Maybe this is another reason for the newly evolved twixters.
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ReplyDeleteI think living with someone before marriage can be somewhat of a two way street. For one you could find out about their flaws early and decide they aren't worth it. I also feel that if that’s the case then its good to get rid of them before you make a mistake and have to go through a long messy divorce. Usually things you would consider to be flaws would become really irritating and could make a people end up hating each other. But I think if you truly love someone you can pull off living with them before you are married. It seems to be happening more and more now-a-days which I don't find surprising at all. A lot of people are becoming scared of saying the final "I do" to someone so a lot of people live together for years and years before getting married. Long relationships sometimes work better without titles, which is one smart thing our generation has learned. So whether you have been dating for 6 months or 5 years, I feel it is okay to live together before you are married. Maybe set it as a trial for a certain amount of time before you decide on going down the marriage trail. In the article it said “Once their lives are thoroughly entangled, some couples may decide to wed more out of guilt or fear than love. "I know a lot of men who've been living with women for a couple of years, and they're very ambivalent about marrying them.” I think a year long trial arrangement would be a great thing to solve that problem. On the year anniversary the couple should sit down and go over if they would want to move forward to getting married or move on The problem with living together without a set deadline is that people could just get stuck in the same type of rut that marriage couples get into to. Just try it out and decide to take the plunge or not. Good Luck!
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ReplyDeleteWhere I come from, both culturally and religiously, I believe that living with the person you love before marriage is wrong and can lead up to problems most of the times. Personally, I would not like to move in with a girl I am in a relationship with because I believe there is a significant border between marriage and a relationship. I think that when a couple is married, they have a more mature psychological mind set towards resolving problems while a couple who is not married and are living together believe they can solve their problems simply by dropping all their responsibilities and leave each other because they are not bonded through God, or lawfully. I honestly would not want to live with my significant other until marriage. I would prefer to have alone time first, get my life into order, have a steady job and not rush into things and then get married and live with that person until death does us part. Also in my religion we believe that a couple should be married first before having any children and sleeping together in the same bed, but those are just my beliefs and what I follow. I also believe that when a couple is married they become much closer to each other rather than a couple who is in a relationship. I don’t like to believe how movies portray the life style of the average married couple. I think that when I am married I am going to be happy and make it enjoyable for my wife and kids just because I know that everyone would be happier that way.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe that the act of moving in with a significant other before marriage is a huge problem. Most of the members in my family all were married before they moved in with one another, and for the most part, there haven't been any problems. Though there was situation with one of my aunts, where the marriage ended abruptly and unexpectedly after over 30 years of commitment. I also know that many of my cousins, along with some close family friends all lived with their significant others before they were married, and all but one or two of them are still together and happy.
ReplyDeletePersonally I don't think it's a bad idea to live with someone before marriage. I like the idea of being able to get to know one another on a daily basis. I think it would pay off in the end to get to know all the habits and behaviors of your boy or girlfriend. I'm in a similar situation right now. I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon, but my boyfriend and I are looking into going together to get an apartment for next year. I feel, that for us, the situation will go over well. We both have spent plenty of time together, we know each other's personalities fairly well, and we know how to react around one another.
I'm still not sure about whether or not I want to get married in the future. As time passes, I find myself becoming more accepting of the idea, but in high school the thought of that kind of commitment to someone scared me. With trust issues, marriage would be difficult, and I'm glad that over this past year, I've been able to get over some of my social phobias. Learning to trust, I've found, is a key component to any relationship, be it romantic, or just on a friend basis. My theory is, if you truly trust your partner, and they trust you, and there is an actual connection between the both of you, moving in before marriage shouldn't be that big of an issue.